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Scheherazade in Blue Jeans
freelance alchemist
No, you guys, this is for reals. 
13th-Aug-2009 10:41 am
Everyone here is a crazy person.
Note up front: This post is not about anyone on my friendslist or even anyone who was on my friendslist at any point. It probably doesn't apply to anyone reading this.

Just so's we're clear.

So I was Gchatting with someone (male) last night, and the topic of a mutual acquaintance (female) arose. And I mentioned with a *shrug* "She doesn't acknowledge my existence."

He was puzzled. "She just doesn't know you."

Me: "She looks right through me. I have tried to become acquainted."

I listed off all of the places where I've been in small groups with the person, have tried to have conversations with her because, after all, she is a friend of my friends and I am friendly, and have been heartily ignored. He said "She's shy, like you."

I said "Yeah, but when someone is in a small group with me, I don't ignore them in favor of the men."

Which led into the big digression, and one that I think my friend still doesn't accept as a real thing - that there are women who do not acknowledge or speak to other women when there are men to focus on. He thinks this isn't the case. I acknowledge that this may or may not be the case with *this specific person*, but that this is a thing that does exist.

This is for reals! And I see it all the time. And he does not, because he's male, so he *does* get the attention of women like this.

Keep in mind that:
1. This is not me whining about wanting attention from this person, because in the situations where we encounter each other, I am already getting way enough attention - usually more than I want.
2. This is not me saying that I specifically am being ignored. I'm not taking this personally. It is just that I lack a penis. Well, an organic penis, anyway. I have a silicone one back in Boston.
3. This is not me asserting that the person in question is definitely one of Those Girls; clearly I do not know this person. It's just the vibe I get, because I have never seen her speak to or acknowledge a women, just flirt with all of the men. But I acknowledge that there could be something there that I'm not seeing.

What is this, then? This is just me asserting that Those Girls exist, the ones who only talk to men. And I understand why my friend is skeptical, because he has a penis and therefore gets fawned over by Those Girls.

Why the post? Because I am read by women as well as men, and I'm sure y'all have encountered Those Girls. So please do speak up and say "Yeah, this is for reals," if you are so inclined.

(Or you could say something more grammatically correct if you'd like. I'm not picky.)
Comments 
13th-Aug-2009 03:03 pm (UTC)
Oh, it's quite true about women sometimes ignoring female friends and acquaintances in favor of men of interest. At the same time, men also do it in regard to fellow men, often gravitating toward women of interest to me, even if I know there's no potential for a sex thing, but just for the attention and affirmation that they like my company.
13th-Aug-2009 03:04 pm (UTC)
Just as there are women who only speak with men, there are men who only speak with women. It's for reals.
13th-Aug-2009 03:06 pm (UTC)
Is that, too, yes.

I tend to notice the guys who ignore other guys and jockey for position, though, because I automatically put people like that on my "do not schtup" list. Disrespect is not sexy!
13th-Aug-2009 03:06 pm (UTC)
For reals. Women just fall off the radar for some het. women when men are present. It's not a mean thing, it's just that the radar has a default "target:penis" setting. I've even met a lesbian who absolutely does not have men on her radar. They just don't register.

There is a male corollary: there are men who have female friends up until they start dating a woman. Once the dating starts, the female friends fall off their radar.
13th-Aug-2009 04:18 pm (UTC)
there are men who have female friends up until they start dating a woman. Once the dating starts, the female friends fall off their radar.

This. In SPADES. I hate this, and I encounter it quite a bit.
13th-Aug-2009 03:06 pm (UTC) - Oh yes...
I am ashamed to admit that there was a time in college when I was one of these women...

But they do indeed exist--at times it can be annoying, most of the time it is just ignorable.
13th-Aug-2009 03:07 pm (UTC) - Re: Oh yes...
Yeah, this one is totally ignorable; I would never have thought to bring it up had she not been brought up as a topic for another reason.
13th-Aug-2009 03:08 pm (UTC)
Oh it absolutely exists. Our culture spends so much time telling women that they do not have worth except for the worth of the man that they are with, I think it would be more surprising if these women *didn't* exist. It's really hard not to get that shit ingrained, and believe that you are in direct competition with every woman in your vicinity at all times. And there's all the other lies our society tells us about women, so some of us become the women who "don't like other women" because women are bitches, obviously!
13th-Aug-2009 03:11 pm (UTC)
This is pretty much my exact comment. For years I would have said that other women just don't like me when in reality I was engaging in the sort of attention seeking behavior that guaranteed male attention and thus alienating myself from the other women in the room. I stopped acting that way and now I have tons of female friends.
13th-Aug-2009 03:09 pm (UTC)
Oh I've totally had this experience, more than once. I've gone through all the theorizing about it, I'm too loud, too boistrous, to dynamic (I talk with my entire body).

Then I started dating my boyfriend and he's all those things and more than I am, so it obviously had nothing to do with personality. Heh. He used to suggest that maybe I was being a little paranoid, until the first time one of the girls I'd mentioned doing this, literally walked into a conversation between the two of us, stood between us with her back to me, and started talking to him. That's really the only time its made me angry, just because it was sooooo over the top rude. Usually its just a shrug and move on moment.

Now that he's seen it for himself, in such a blatant fashion, he's able to recognize it alot easier, these days. Not to mention he's learned to trust me when I point it out.
(Deleted comment)
13th-Aug-2009 03:31 pm (UTC)
he had used me as an alibi to her husband and another man's wife, all while telling me nothing happened, they were just "talking" but that the others wouldn't understand

**headdesk**
(Deleted comment)
13th-Aug-2009 03:10 pm (UTC)
Yep.

13th-Aug-2009 03:13 pm (UTC)
This is totally for reals. And if he wants to see it in action, he can watch the last season of "Real Housewives of NYC", where one of the women is TOTALLY like that in front of America.
13th-Aug-2009 03:15 pm (UTC)
Yep, this happens.

(I also have a friend who doesn't quite do this, but does actively seem to drop about 30 IQ points when a guy over the age of about 12 is in the room. It's *unnerving*.)
13th-Aug-2009 03:31 pm (UTC)
Oh! I know a couple of those, too.
So creepy.

I have a friend who used to do that when she was 17-20 or so. I was one of the exceptions, since I knew she was smart, she didn't feel she had to drop IQ around me unless there were other men in the room.

She grew out of it.
13th-Aug-2009 03:23 pm (UTC)
It's possible that I'm one of Those Girls, but not for flirtatious reasons. I just don't get on well with other women. Never have, probably never will.

I just don't speak the language. I can fake it for a while, sure, but it's ultimately more effort than it's worth. Men are far less trying.
13th-Aug-2009 03:31 pm (UTC)
Bravo, exactly what I was trying to say in my comment below!
13th-Aug-2009 03:23 pm (UTC)
Yep they are out there. There seem to be some of every type, regardless of gender. Plenty of men ignore women who are not on their list of have slept with, want to sleep with or are sleeping with. If you are not in those categories, you might as well not be there. People focus on those they are attracted to, everything else is not noticed or acknowledged. It is annoying to be the ignored one after a few occurrences, I tend to just ignore the person in return.
13th-Aug-2009 03:29 pm (UTC)
There are people who doubt this? Every guy I know well knows/has met women like this. It's notorious.

(It's often a warning sign of "do not get involved, because they are not very balanced".)

And I'm sure someone has already pointed out that there are men like this, too.

We're talking, of course, of the "ignore if the target sex is in the room" type. Lots of people, focus more on the target type because they are shameless flirt, but there is a select group that makes one sex entirely disappear.

Not to be confused with the person who focuses on their crush, which is person-specific and not sex/gender-specific
13th-Aug-2009 03:35 pm (UTC)
We're talking, of course, of the "ignore if the target sex is in the room" type. Lots of people, focus more on the target type because they are shameless flirt, but there is a select group that makes one sex entirely disappear.

Not to be confused with the person who focuses on their crush, which is person-specific and not sex/gender-specific


Yep, you got it.
13th-Aug-2009 03:30 pm (UTC)
Oh yeah. It's so true. I've had females who will ask my partner questions about me, while I'm standing right there, as if I weren't able to answer on my own. It's just that males are much more fascinating to talk to! I have been pretty ruthless in cutting social ties with that kind of person.

But there are indeed women just like you describe. I'm never sure if I'm a threat to them in some way, so that marginalizing my participation makes them feel secure? Or have I offended them in the past? Or did I offend them today? I usually just wind up shrugging and saying, "She's one of those!" and moving on.

I admit that I don't have many close female friends, and that this type of snubbing has contributed to my general disinterest, but I hope to Og that I'm never so bad as to be one of "Those Girls"...
13th-Aug-2009 03:33 pm (UTC)
I've had females who will ask my partner questions about me, while I'm standing right there, as if I weren't able to answer on my own.

I've had people do this when I'm with friends in wheelchairs. They will ask me questions about my friend-on-wheels. I find this baffling, and just redirect with "I don't know; you should ask her!"
13th-Aug-2009 03:31 pm (UTC)
I survived both an all-girls school and a sorority house. There are girls like this. There are also guys who do the same thing.
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