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Scheherazade in Blue Jeans
freelance alchemist
This is my life. 
6th-Jul-2009 03:17 pm
Hearth
I wrote this a while back for a true-life wedding horror stories anthology. I ended up never submitting it, because I still gave a shit what some of the people involved thought. I am so past that now. *rueful grin* And it gives you an idea of what a clusterfuck my second wedding was. Yes, second. Adam is husband #3. Also husband the last. I finally had the good sense to marry my best friend!

Every word of this is true. (And the last line is where Adam pops up.)

The Groom
Here comes the Groom, on the arm of his mother, as is traditional in a Jewish ceremony and as is traditional in his life - he has lived with his mother for most of his life. The Bride has started to wonder about the Groom, in fact - he's been a bit of a dick over the past few months. At first, she chalked this up to moving stress (new apartment). When the dust of moving settled, she chalked the behavior up to wedding stress. But she is beginning to wonder if, in fact, this is simply his base personality, beginning to reveal itself.

Bit late now, though. All the people are here, and the flowers, and she's in this big dress. So. Here comes the Groom.

The Best Man
(There is no Best Man. There is no Best Man because the Groom decided to dramatically reveal controversial information about his life to his disapproving brother a matter of days before the wedding, thus causing said brother to back out not only of being the Best Man, but of attending the wedding altogether. Ditto the Groom's father. The Bride thinks that the Groom really could have waited a few days, but she was not consulted. Consequently, she will never meet the Groom's brother or father. Also, the ratio of bridesmaids to ushers is now askew, but she will persevere.)

Usher #1
Usher #1 is the Bride's childhood best friend and (mutual) first crush. He would be The One That Got Away, but for the fact that they never got together in the first place. This is openly and regretfully acknowledged to be a repeated accident of timing. When Usher #1 bends to sign the ketubah, the Hebrew marriage license, he whispers, "Why is it not me up there marrying you?"

"Because you were dating someone else when I moved back here."

"Oh, yeah." He looks up and grins. "I'm free now. Wanna elope?"

"I wish!"

Usher #2
Usher #2 is the Bride’s high-school friend, the Groom’s co-worker, and Bridesmaid #3’s husband – though he almost wasn’t that, by today. Usher #2 and Bridesmaid #3 separated after he cheated on her, a scant few months ago. During their separation, Bridesmaid #3 kissed Usher #3. Usher #2 discovered this upon perusal of her diary and ended up stalking Usher #3 through a shopping mall with a knife. Miraculously, Bridesmaid #3 took Usher #2 back, and the Bride is forced to have him in the bridal party if she’s to have Bridesmaid #3. Usher #2 has conditions under which he will participate.

“I don’t want to be in any pictures with Usher #3.”

“Okay,” says the Bride. “You won’t be in any pictures.” It’s Usher #2 who’s causing trouble, after all. She’s not going to penalize Usher #3 for it.

“And he can’t come to the bachelor party.”

“Fine. He’ll come to the bachelorette party instead.”

Usher #2 is clearly not content. He expresses this by adding his own, very goth, modifications to his tuxedo, and by refusing to tie his hair back as the other ushers do. But he is there, which means that Bridesmaid #3 is there, and that is what counts.

Usher #3
Unbeknownst to anyone but the Bride, the Groom, and Usher #3, Bridesmaid #3 isn’t the only one who’s been kissing Usher #3. Usher #3 and the Bride have been doing a bit more than kissing. This has been the case for quite some time, and it makes for rather a strange wedding experience for Usher #3.

Besides the Usher #2/Bridesmaid #3 situation, even.

Bridesmaid #1
Bridesmaid #1 initially refused to be a bridesmaid unless she could wear faerie wings. The Bride patiently explained that it was not that sort of wedding. Bridesmaid #1 reluctantly gave up on the wings, but has continued to be difficult. “I want to wear a purple dress!” No, the Bride explained, you are wearing green. Forest green velvet. Bridesmaid #1 acknowledges that the green sets off her eyes beautifully, but continues to sulk.

This is the way of Bridesmaid #1. It has long been accepted that one cannot talk sense into her. She will, for instance, forever be known as the lesbian who only dates Swedish men. The Bride opines that, if Bridesmaid #1 dates men, she is bisexual, not a lesbian – but Bridesmaid #1 insists that she is a lesbian, despite having not seriously dated a woman in five years and having seriously dated Swedish men in the interim.

The Bride does not know what the deal is with the Swedish men. One of them is accompanying Bridesmaid #1 to the wedding, of course. The Bride did not know his last name until two nights ago when, having left Bridesmaid #1 several messages pleading for said name so she could finish the placecards, she threatened to write his name in as “Bork Bork Bork” a la the Muppet Show’s Swedish Chef.

Bridesmaid #1 is here because she and the Bride have been friends off and on since seventh grade, and because she was the last girl Bridesmaid #1 fooled around with.

Bridesmaid #2
Bridesmaid #2 is the Bride’s sister. The Bride has many anecdotes about Bridesmaid #2, but not in her role as Bridesmaid #2; she has been a model Bridesmaid. We can move on.

Bridesmaid #3
Of all of the Bridesmaids, Bridesmaid #3 has been the most helpful – has acted, in fact, much as a Maid of Honor ought to.

But the Bride has almost lost Bridesmaid #3 due to the hijinks of Usher #2. Bridesmaid #3 has offered to back out to avoid conflict among ushers, but the Bride won’t have it – Usher #2 needs to simply shut up and deal, since the whole thing is really his damn fault.

Bridesmaid #3 does not know that the Bride has schtupped Usher #3. The Bride does not think she’d take it well.

Bridesmaid #4
Bridesmaid #4 is the co-worker Bridesmaid, and is another model Bridesmaid. She is, in fact, the only Bridesmaid the Bride still speaks to seven years later.

Maid of Honor
The Maid of Honor disappeared for a year. Specifically, the year between her selection as Maid of Honor and the rehearsal dinner.

Stephen King writes that we never again have friends like we did when we were twelve. This is true, and it’s why the Maid of Honor is the Maid of Honor; she was the Bride’s best friend in middle school, in high school, and the Bride has only recently moved back home, has not yet noticed that they have grown apart. The Bride had only begun to notice how unpredictable, how unreliable, the Maid of Honor was before naming her Maid of Honor. But really – this is the Bride’s best friend from the tender, easily-imprintable age of twelve. Who else could be her Maid of Honor?

The Maid of Honor shows up for the rehearsal dinner. The Bride confronts her. The Maid of Honor’s apology? “I was afraid – this whole wedding thing. I was afraid that the Groom would replace me as your best friend.”

The Bride thinks that disappearing for a year makes that a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Anyway, the Maid of Honor showed up for the wedding; right now, that is enough.

Flower Girl
Here is the Flower Girl – the four-year-old daughter of the Bride. Her golden hair is curled, her little white basket overflowing with rose petals. The Bride is aware that one cannot expect a four-year-old to follow complicated instructions; the Flower Girl’s are simple.

* Walk through the doors.
* Bridesmaid #2 will be up front. Walk toward Bridesmaid #2.
* Toss petals on the ground while walking.
* Upon reaching Bridesmaid #2, stop and wait for the Bride.

The doors open. The Flower Girl casts one frightened look back at the Bride, who smiles encouragingly. The Flower Girl steps forward, and the doors shut behind her.

There is a collective “Awwww.”

There is a moment of absolute silence.

And then there is uproarious laughter.

The Bride bites her lip, grins, and repeats her mantra: “No matter what the Flower Girl does, it will be considered cute.”

The Bride later learns what transpired: The Flower Girl stepped forward into the crowded, brightly-lit room, relatives and strangers and camera-flashes, and stopped short, deer-in-headlights, for a long moment. Long enough that Bridesmaid #2 began to gesture at her half-frantically.

Upon seeing Bridesmaid #2, the Flower Girl remembered half of her instructions: Get to Bridesmaid #2.

And took off running.

Not a single petal hit the ground, and it seemed that her feet didn’t, either – the photographer was unable to get a picture of her walking. The picture in the wedding album is of the Flower Girl airborne.

The Bride
Now stands the bride, breath held, heart pounding, in no way sure of herself and her actions.

But the people are here. The flowers. The dress. Bit late now to bow out.

The doors open.

Five days later, she will meet the love of her life.
Comments 
6th-Jul-2009 07:29 pm (UTC)
I want to see that picture of Elayna!
6th-Jul-2009 07:33 pm (UTC)
I'll have to see if I can dig up that album! Buried somewhere in the recesses of my closet.
6th-Jul-2009 07:32 pm (UTC)
Shakespeare had nothin' on you. Comedy of errors, anyone?
6th-Jul-2009 07:33 pm (UTC)
heehee.
'song's reasons not to have a wedding.
hee.
6th-Jul-2009 07:34 pm (UTC)
It was ridonkulous, man.

My wedding to Adam, on the other hand? Perfect. Small wedding (~50 people), with Elayna as our only attendant. Cliffside in Arizona at sunset, nighthawks reeling overhead. Yummy cake. No fucking drama.
6th-Jul-2009 07:37 pm (UTC)
Definitely tops my second wedding, held in my home, with my sister wearing pajamas since she'd decided to give birth just that afternoon in my bathtub, my carpet totally littered since my vaccuum cleaner gave up the ghost and so did my second vaccuum cleaner just that morning, my brother spazzed out on meth, my groom so drunk on scotch he leaned on me through the entire ceremony and the friend officiating holding a big leather bound copy of Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy, all the while surrounded by the grooms family who were utterly and totally confused by the entire event. *snicker*
6th-Jul-2009 07:42 pm (UTC)
I want to know about you meeting Adam!
6th-Jul-2009 07:49 pm (UTC)
Hee. Very short version!

We met online in late '95-early '96, on the Tamson House e-mail mailing list. Developed wild crushes on each other - which we never told each other about, because we were dreadfully shy and neither of us thought that that smart funny awesome person could ever be into little old *us*. So we became best friends.

Well, my then-fiance's best friend lived in Atlanta, too. So we decided to go up to Atlanta as part of our honeymoon - see his friend, meet Adam and another Tamson House friend.

And Adam walked into the hotel room, and -

- you know how sometimes when you meet someone, it's like the clouds part and a shaft of sunlight comes down from the heavens and illuminates them and there is a chorus of angels and all of that?

Yeah. That.
6th-Jul-2009 07:42 pm (UTC)
6th-Jul-2009 07:45 pm (UTC)
I know, right?
6th-Jul-2009 07:42 pm (UTC)
also, you made my sweetie laugh out loud with this, in the middle of meeting an intense deadline, which is worth gold.
6th-Jul-2009 07:45 pm (UTC)
Awesome! Points to House Gojirawitz!
6th-Jul-2009 07:42 pm (UTC)
I wish you'd been able to submit that. It's purely /classic/.
6th-Jul-2009 07:44 pm (UTC)
Maybe it'll end up somewhere someday. I totally should've submitted it, though.
6th-Jul-2009 07:43 pm (UTC)
And I thought the wedding my friend went to last weekend was fraught with drama -- during THAT wedding, the only thing that happened is that one of the bridesmaids tried to kill the bride and the rest of the wedding party by shooting them, and then, failing that, tried to kill herself by slitting her wrists.
6th-Jul-2009 07:44 pm (UTC)
o.O
6th-Jul-2009 07:46 pm (UTC)
AWESOME post! Thank you.
6th-Jul-2009 07:46 pm (UTC)
Wow, this sounds like my best friend's first wedding... Especially the wedding party shenanigans.
6th-Jul-2009 07:48 pm (UTC)
Wow. Simply wow.

Your story--and the ones in comments--blow mine out of the water:

Limo driver took attendants to church, was supposed to return to take me (bride) and parents to church. Doesn't return until about 5 minutes before ceremony...and driver is now best friend's/matron-of-honor's father, who says limo driver got sick.

When we were about to enter church driveway, we were cut off by two ambulances, a fire department truck and a police cruiser. The limo driver had helped the attendants out of the car, had an apparent heart attack, and fallen on the front steps of the church. (He survived.)

And I didn't see it as the omen it was to run like hell.

Morals of the stories: you can ALWAYS bow out!
6th-Jul-2009 08:03 pm (UTC) - only one appropriate response to the whole thing:
מזל טוב
7th-Jul-2009 01:59 am (UTC) - Re: only one appropriate response to the whole thing:
Excellent response.
6th-Jul-2009 08:05 pm (UTC)
Wow.... The daytime soaps got nothin on you...
6th-Jul-2009 08:11 pm (UTC)
That's more OMG than That Idiot Shawn's whole wedding. Maybe.
(Deleted comment)
6th-Jul-2009 08:34 pm (UTC)
I totally heart you...just sayin'. :)
6th-Jul-2009 08:40 pm (UTC)
Yikes! Almost needed a diagram to follow that.
6th-Jul-2009 08:52 pm (UTC)
That makes me think that this would be an excellent performance piece, with pre-drawn diagrams and visual aids, either on a big pad of paper ala Demetri Martin, or as a powerpoint.
6th-Jul-2009 08:52 pm (UTC)
Thank you, my unknowing oracle. You have just made my life much easier: if ever we meet in person, I owe you an entire bar's worth of drinks. (or enough shinies to tempt mermaids out of the sea)
14th-Jul-2009 06:35 pm (UTC)
w00t!
6th-Jul-2009 08:59 pm (UTC)
I laugh because it's better than the alternative, and it all turned out well in the end.
6th-Jul-2009 09:00 pm (UTC)
....wow. Just....

You certainly don't believe in doing anything normal, ne? Hover!daughter, schtuppingses, evil twin with an eyepatch and a goatee...
6th-Jul-2009 09:17 pm (UTC)
The only way that could have been more amusing to read is if the wedding had been done in the traditional Klingon style. rowanarha and I still threaten to do this at our 10th or 15th anniversary.
6th-Jul-2009 09:20 pm (UTC)
This was fantastic. Thank you.
6th-Jul-2009 09:28 pm (UTC)
Awesome! This has to be published somewhere. I don't care where, but somewhere!
6th-Jul-2009 10:45 pm (UTC)
the Groom decided to dramatically reveal controversial information about his life . . . Unbeknownst to anyone but the Bride, the Groom, and Usher #3, Bridesmaid #3 isn’t the only one who’s been kissing Usher #3.

Out of curiosity, was this a poly outing?
6th-Jul-2009 10:58 pm (UTC)
Among other things.
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