Scheherazade in Blue Jeans
freelance alchemist
July 23rd, 2009 
06:05 am - Thor's Day
Hello to new readers aquablogathon09, crowgirl13, rockahulahoops, and rowyn!

Ugh. Very little sleep last night, thanks to multiple people finding last night the perfect time to have dramasplosions.

On that note
Ordinarily, I encourage people to speak up right away when they're having an issue. Not to sit on it and let it fester. However. If you've already been letting it fester for all of 2009. I ask that you please hold your water just a few more days until this great big time-and-energy-consuming thing that I only do once a year is over. If you keep poking at me when you've been told repeatedly that I don't have the resources to have the discussion you want to have right now? You're not going to like the discussion we end up having.

Regarding telephones
1. I hate telephones.
2. However, if you've been told you're an exception? You are. Very few people have heard this from me. So yeah, you are.
3. When we are having issues with our land line that include intermittent horrific static to the point that caller ID doesn't even work (which I've been posting about here and on Twitter), calling and not laving voicemail != contacting me, especially when you have my cell-phone number.
4. Do not call me after 10 unless someone just died or was hospitalized. If I'm not already in bed, which I seldom but sometimes am? Elayna's definitely in bed, and she has a phone in her room. She does not need to be woken up so you can ask me a question you could've asked via e-mail. And yes, this goes for exceptions as well, but the person in question wasn't one.

Regarding Elayna
If I say "I need to talk to Elayna about that, and I won't have a chance to until Sunday night at the earliest," stop pushing me for an immediate response. This is summer. Elayna is at camp. She will be there late tonight (til 9:30), not leaving time for the making of pro/con lists; she will be there tomorrow morning through Sunday night, sleeping over. Hitting me after I tell you this with "Well I need to know ASAP" will not do anything but annoy me. Yes, I will let you know as soon as possible - and I have already told you when that would be. Your needing to know something not actually time-sensitive a month early doesn't mean I'm going to pull my kid out of camp for a discussion. I have told you exactly when "as soon as possible" is.

Yes, I'm frustrated.
Kinda have a lot going on. Didn't need the extended weeklong loop of people being crazy. This is just the tip of the iceberg, and I flat-out will not be going further into any of it - because I am allergic to drama, and even if I never speak to any of the people involved again, I don't want huge acrimonious fights. At the same time, I am indulging my right to vent without pointing fingers. Which I am aware can be seen as dramatic, but I'm cranky about the madness and the lack of sleep.

What I Want
I mentioned a week or so ago that I feel like I'm in a position where the universe is saying "What do you want?" And I have many things I've yet to figure out... I've been giving my branching paths a *lot* of thought, because it's rare that I have this sort of breathing room to figure it all out. It's usually chaos dancing, as a friend puts it. So I very much want to take advantage of this opportunity.

Like I said - lots to figure out. But I have figured out a chunk of what I want in relationships, which helped me winnow three possibilities down to the one that suits me best (and I know, being poly means it's not a zero-sum game, but I don't like slicing up my time and energy too thin, and there are reasons the other two wouldn't work). And this is the perfect time to make a stand on the topic of, well, everything - but specifically here on the topic of friendship. And that stand is this: If you're not going to treat me with respect, GTFO.

I have a healer complex, a white-knight complex. As such, too many of my past relationships and past and present friendships have had me swallowing a lot of bullshit and disrespectful behavior because the other person is always too fragile to be called on the carpet for it.

Life's too short. I start off treating everyone with respect. If you're not going to treat me the same way, let's not waste everyone's time and energy. I'm sure there is someone else who'd love to feed your codependency. Me, I'm into equality.

And see? It feels like I'm an asshole for saying that, because I have years of being everyone's savior or mommy under my belt. But that's not my job. I'm not responsible for anyone but myself (well, and my actual child). I like to help, but other people's problems are really-truly not mine to fix. (Especially if I keep giving solid advice and it keeps getting ignored in favor of the reality-disconnected script in people's heads.)

But I put other people first a lot. I always will - I love my work with BARCC, for example. But one of the things BARCC impresses on its volunteers is the need for self-care. And if I'm being jerked around so much that there's no time and energy for self-care, there's a problem; I won't be any good for anyone else if I don't take care of myself. Please put on your own oxygen mask before helping the person next to you. You know?

Running a Blogathon team hits those buttons. (Plenty of other stuff going on that hits those buttons, too.) The way things were going prior to yesterday's decision? It was, once again, me sublimating my needs in order to be other people's mommy. It was heading for the sort of situation that sent me into meltdown last year, having a very difficult 'thon and feeling spiky and resentful for months afterward. Because you guys - Blogathon is hard. The year theferrett did it, he said it was the hardest thing he's ever done. It's hard for perfectly healthy people, and I am, to put it mildly, not perfectly healthy. It's worth it. But to keep myself from going crazy, I have to put myself and my 'thon first in my mind. I will not sacrifice another 'thon to take care of everyone else.

So there's that.

Link Soup
* Artistic interpretations of missed connections ads.
* Robo-Ethicists Want to Revamp Asimov’s 3 Laws.
* Alice in Wonderland trailer!
* Richard Kadrey stories.
* Americans, "do you like your mail service? DO SOMETHING."

Daily Science
Dolphins give themselves "names"—distinctive whistles that they use to identify each other, new research shows.
Scientists say it's the first time wild animals have been shown to call out their own names.

I have an unusual and lovely morning visit from feste_sylvain! He'll help me with some errands. Which means, among other things, that those BPAL packages will finally go out. I also have to photograph the remaining bottles and decants/imps to go up on eBay, because baby, I want them gone.

This afternoon? Most likely a nap, but also editing "My Empire for Ashes". Doing what I can, anyway. The general consensus is that I'm skimming over things too quickly, but if I don't, it'll be a novel. And this isn't the novel I want to be writing right now.

Also need to prioritize short fiction to work on; I have one thing that absolutely must get done next week. *nod*
07:09 am - Blogathon update
Thanks to teacupdiaries, thisdaydreamer, and Juliet K, we're up to $688.24!

(Click the banner to sponsor me!)

Offers of Blogathon incentives are coming in. zarhooie will give recipes to everyone who sponsors me - so hey, I will too! Phoe is throwing knitting stuff in for the drawing.

All sponsors will get a three-story set from me: "My Empire for Ashes", in whatever form it's in next week. "Undertow", the leanan sidhe story last year's sponsors got. And the version of "Fortune" that has been, until now, available only in Ravens in the Library.

If you sponsor me or buy auction stuff for $100 or more? You get custom flash fiction or poetry.

And my contribution to the drawing? A copy of the Wind Tunnel Dreams trade paperback, with your custom flash or poetry handwritten in it. And we'll see what else I can dig up.

Blogathon is two days away.
The Clothesline Project.

Shirts made by survivors of rape and sexual assault and their families, illustrating their experiences. BARCC has about 200 of these shirts. (There are thousands across the country.) We display them at colleges, at train stations, at street fairs; they provoke conversation and take rape and sexual assault out of the realm of conceptual thinking and present you with real people's experiences. We all know the statistics. Here are a few of the *people*. Please take the time to look at these shirts, and please sponsor me in my Blogathon to support BARCC.
04:21 pm(no subject)
Some things can't be fixed
Yes, this is a hard day.

I am choosing to focus on the impending Blogathon.
04:52 pm(no subject)
Who else is doing Blogathon? Post your links in comments!
Knowing is half the battle
I had intended to hold off on posting about this until next week, because I wanted to focus on the Blogathon and not have my journal derailed into drama and responses to passive-aggressive crap. But since apparently it's everyone's business, I'll say it here and do a minimal clarification.

elionwyr and I are no longer in a relationship.

There have been significant issues all year. I'm not going to get into them. As I've said, I have no interest in drama, in rehashing, in trash-talking, in any of that. I'm just saying that they exist so I can say that the breakup is far from a surprise, and in some ways it feels like a relief - not because I don't care for her, but because it has not *felt* like a relationship in quite some time, so now at least the cognitive dissonance of calling it something it's not no longer exists.

She apparently decided to post about it because I deleted an abusive comment from one of her friends from my morning post. I did so because I refuse to take abuse, and because in her comment she outed Elionwyr; I thought at the time that Elionwyr did not wish to be outed, and I even stated that I was deleting the comment for that reason, out of respect for Elionwyr's privacy.

That apparently does not go both ways. Because, even though I stated quite clearly that I did not want to engage in this sort of thing, Elionwyr's posted about this. (And there goes my privacy, my adjustment period, my grieving process.) It's her right to do so, as it was her relationship as well.

But it's not her right to lie.

And I'm baffled, because I did not expect that of her. Nonetheless.

I did not want to post about this, but I am doing so in order to clarify that the reasons she listed for this week's communication breakdown are entirely false.

They bear absolutely no relation to the truth. Words are being put into my mouth; actions and motivations have been ascribed to me that frankly baffle me. The whole rationale as presented bears no relation to reality.

In talking to a friend earlier today about the lies reflected in her friend's abusive comment, I took a deep breath and said "Y'know... people will know that I am not these things, that I did not do these things. I'm not going to say anything. People will know."

But the lies in Elionwyr's new post are toned down enough that they don't beggar disbelief as much as her friend's did. So I feel compelled to say something.

I'm not going to get into the actual reasons. Not tonight. I am exhausted, and giving the full list of bad behavior... will accomplish nothing, really. Nothing but get me all pissed off again. And I don't want to get in a discussion about this stuff when I'm angry - which is why I was planning to wait til next week and make a quiet announcement in passing.

I don't know why she's chosen to misrepresent this. I suspect that, by doing so, she hopes to redirect attention from what actually transpired. I don't know if she actually believes any of this, or if she's just being defensive, or what. It's clearly not a conversation I can have right now.

I trust that anyone who actually knows me will look at the version of me being portrayed and realize that it's not reflective of the actual me. (I have had comments to that effect already.) But just so you know. Ain't true.

I ask that you respect my desire to not dissect this breakdown/breakup in comments. I already said I didn't want to talk about it, and *that* hasn't been respected. But I won't sit here and pretend I'm okay being misrepresented and lied about. (Adam does not like me saying "lied" and "lies", because he thinks she may have talked herself into believing these things. Either way, it is a work of fiction.)

So that's that. Anger at mistreatment. Disappointment at the lies. Not what I expected.

I'm not going to talk about this tonight, or tomorrow, or this weekend. Blogathon is an arduous thing, and I have made a commitment to do it. I don't appreciate the derailment. There's a lot I don't appreciate here.

And now, bed.
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